Overall, we know that most bereaved people generally cope with their loss pretty well. There is certainly sadness, but most people are able to continue moving forward and slowly rebuild their lives. During the holidays, however, many people find themselves having strong emotional reactions just as they would to other important dates such as the loved ones birth date or the date of their passing. These reactions are called “anniversary reactions.”
The holidays come with an expectation of cheerfulness and joy that many people who are grieving the loss of a loved one can find difficult to live up to. Those who are grieving often feel uncomfortable about expressing their sadness out of a fear of “being a downer.” Others are often full of well-intended advice as to how to lessen the pain. However, sometimes seemingly innocent remarks can be intensely painful for someone who is mourning. For example, a blessing around the Christmas dinner table giving thanks “for the whole family being together” can feel like a knife in the heart. The holiday season can bring with it sudden reminders of the loss through the endless parade of past rituals, traditions and memories.
Here are 10 suggestions of things to try if you’re grieving the loss of a loved one through the holiday season:
1. Do less - grieving takes a lot out of us physically and emotionally, leaving us depleted of energy. Reduce the pressure on yourself to do it all. Consider cutting back on things like sending out cards, entertaining, baking, decorating, putting up a tree, buying presents, etc.
2. Be direct - if you are not in the holiday spirit, be clear about this with others. Let others know what they can, and cannot, expect of you this year.
3. Change your traditions - consider changing your normal holiday routine if the thought of a standard Christmas is too difficult to bear. Perhaps this year you might decide to go on a special trip or have dinner with friends rather than the traditional family get-together.
4. Create new traditions - you may choose to honour your loved one by creating a new tradition that allows you to keep their memory present. This might be done by setting a special place for your lost loved one at the dinner table, spending part of the day reminiscing about them or perhaps hanging a stocking filled with memory keepsakes of them. Sometimes these honouring traditions give you and others permission to talk about your loved one and remember them at this time of year.
5. Ask for help - talk to someone. Keeping your feelings all bottled up can exacerbate feelings of isolation. Share your feelings with someone you trust. You may also consider joining a grief group, or starting one of your own.
6. Leave when you need to - attending social gatherings can be a good way of coping with the loneliness and isolation of grief; however, there may be times that you feel the need to excuse yourself early…that’s ok.
7. Dedicate a gift - holiday shopping can remind of gifts that we would have thought to buy for our loved one. Consider donating or dedicating a gift in your loved one’s honour.
8. Do something meaningful - give back. Volunteer. Do for others. Service is a very powerful healer and scientists have found that doing a kindness is an effective way to alleviate depressive symptoms.
9. Self-care - grief can wear our bodies down. This, along with holiday stress, can deplete our body’s energy and can leave us prone to colds, flus, aches and pains. Take care of yourself by getting proper sleep, eating healthy foods and exercising.
10. Be gentle with yourself - accept that feelings of anguish are normal and to be expected during the holiday season. Don’t assume that if you’re having a difficult time with your grief during the holidays that this is a sign you are not healing. Know that you are doing the best that you can and that bereavement takes time.
Local Resources for Grief:
Alliance Church (Grief Support Group) 780-986-1055
Peace Lutheran Church (Grief Support Group) 780-986-2668
The Support Network (Suicide and Grief Counselling) 780-482-4636
Sheila Gothjelpsen is a Registered Psychologist at the Leduc Beaumont Devon Primary Care Network.
